A Rough Start

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This morning when I dropped my Little Man off at preschool a rare thing happened. Instead of his usual good-bye kiss and smile, he clung to me and wailed, "I don't want to go, Mommy! I don't want to go!"

I resisted every urge to hold him tightly and cry, "You don't have to! You don't have to!" If he had been my first child or this was his first day of preschool, chances are that's what would have gone down. But he has come to school many, many times before, always with a smile on his face, and he comes home later in the day excited about the things he has learned, the songs he's sung, and the friends he has played with. He has been coming to this, our church preschool, since he was two. I know the staff and the teachers...and so does he. He sees them at church every week. They are our friends, and  he loves them as much as I do.

So I called upon every Mommy superpower I could muster, kissed his head, hugged him tightly, assured him I'd be back at the end of the day and handed him off to his teacher. As I climbed back in the driver's seat, I watched him reaching for me screaming, "No, Mommy! Don't go!" Summoning the rest of my Supermommy powers, I drove away...around the corner, out of sight...and cried.

I'm not one of those parents who throws her kid into the pool to teach him to swim. My philosophy is, "let's dip our toe in first and see if we like it." If they like it, we'll ease into it. If not, we'll give it some time and try later. I'm not saying mine is the best way...it's just what works for us. So, to drive away from my screaming child went against every fiber of my being.

But the logical, mature side of me knew that I wouldn't be doing him any favors by going back for him...even if that logical part was being completely drowned out by the emotional Mommy side of me at the moment! He is in a loving environment with people who care deeply about him. He is there five hours a week because we believe it reinforces the values and truths we are teaching him at home while preparing him for full-time education. I had to be strong and look at the bigger picture.

That's when I realized how many times I had felt just like my Little Man. In the middle of whatever I was facing, I looked at God and screamed, "What are you doing?! How could you just leave me here?! I don't want to be here! Don't leave me!"

The truth is, He doesn't leave us. Ever. He has promised not to. Even when we feel alone. Even when we feel abandoned. He is right there...holding us, weeping with us, loving us through every moment. All the while, seeing the bigger picture. Seeing the other side. Knowing how we will come through it stronger, more mature, and more dependent on Him.

Even though I physically left my Little Man today, you better believe I called and texted his teachers until I was convinced he had calmed down and returned to his happy, easy-going self (which he did within 30 minutes). You see, for a mom "out of sight, out of mind" is a foreign concept when it comes to her children. If I...an imperfect, human parent...am that consumed with my child--his safety, his well-being, his happiness--how much more our perfect Heavenly Father!

 The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble. 

Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Psalm 9:9,10

 

What are you going through today that makes you feel alone? God has not forgotten you. He has not abandoned you. He is with you. Hold tightly to Him.

40-B4-40: Letting Go

Dedicated to my fellow first-born, over-achieving, Type-A peeps.

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Ten years ago I would have been hesitant to admit I'm a Type-A person. (We're always the last to find out, right?) In most of my adult life (and childhood for that matter), I was fairly easy-going. I was often happy to go along with whatever restaurant or activity my friends chose, content to just hang out with them. I really had little need to "be in charge."

So it was with great disappointment that I finally admitted to my husband and friends (who already knew) that yes, I am a control freak. You see, it's not really that I have to control everything. If I'm participating in or helping with someone else's "thing," I have no problem going along with it. If you're in charge, we can do it your way.

However, it was in the things that I did have control over that my inner control freak began to rear her ugly head. My house--since I'm here most of the time, it shouldn't be too difficult to keep it relatively spotless at all times. And meals...how hard is it to have tasty, nutritious meals on the table for my family every evening. Children...it's not too much to ask that they be well-dressed, well-fed, well-behaved, and content most of the time. I'm not unreasonable. I realize they are children and will have their moments, but I'd say hitting the mark 90% of the time isn't too much to ask (for my children anyway.) Yeah, right!

As for my personal life....well, there's no reason I shouldn't be able to workout daily, have a quality devotional time, and find time to write on a regular basis, right? I mean, it's really just a matter of scheduling and prioritizing. I just need to make the right lists (I do love my lists!) and find the most efficient way of doing them. It's totally doable. And since it's doable, I should be able to do it. Sound about right?

Fortunately, God has a sense of humor and paired me up with someone who could make me step back, take a breath, and realize that if we have cereal for dinner and the kids are running around like monkeys, it's OK. That's just where our lives are right now. Sure it would be nice to have a quiet, peaceful, spotless home in which to unwind each evening. But the sight of toys strewn across the floor and the sound of giggles and pounding feet as our children chase one another through the obstacle course that is our home remind me that my to-do list isn't the most demanding issue right now. So my first step on my journey to mature, well-adjusted, middle-agehood is to LET IT GO. (Aren't you proud of me for not making a list of things to let go of? :))

Over the holidays, I hosted family gatherings while my kitchen floor remained un-mopped (horror of all horrors!) We ate some late dinners (and consequently had late bedtimes) so that I could spend time enjoying my family instead of rushing through our evening. The kids' teachers received cookies "creatively" decorated with love instead of magazine-photo-perfect gingerbread men. This week, I sat and drank coffee with a friend while our boys played in our basement which looked like an episode of Toys R Us Gone Wild. (It's a wonder we didn't lose of them down there.)

But guess what? No one mocked my sticky kitchen floor, the teachers loved their cookies, and my friend and I had a wonderful chat while the boys relished in the toy rubble. Maybe, just maybe, if I can push past my initial, hand-wringing moment of worry when the door opens to my less-than-immaculate home and can focus on the person and the moment at hand, everyone will have a better time...mostly me.

Now, if you'll excuse me we are having guests this weekend and I need to go scrub my bathrooms. (Baby steps, right?)

40 B4 40

Happy 2012, everyone!

As you may have noticed, I took a small break through the New Year. I intentionally spent time enjoying family, having fun, and relishing every moment with my kids while they were out of school.

I also spent some time planning, dreaming, thinking, and praying about 2012...including my blog. More on that later. Let me just say you may see a few changes around here as I begin to experiment with some things (for example, the new look...what do you think?) It's not exactly there yet, but it's a step in the right direction.

As I gazed into 2012, I came to a stark realization: It is approximately 40 weeks until I reach a milestone birthday. (I will leave it to your keen deductive skills to infer what birthday that might be. Hint: read the title of this post carefully.) So, I've decided for the next 40 (or so) weeks, I will take a moment to share a specific lesson learned, challenge conquered, adventure taken, or anything else that might help me say, "Take that [insert next decade here]! I'm not going down without a fight!"

So stay tuned, dear friends. It's going to be a great year!

Do you have any big plans for 2012?